Politically Cleft

Writers should come with a disclaimer or, at the very least, a cheap t-shirt that says ‘WARNING: combustible on the smallest amount of inflammable information.’

I did warn C that living with a writer would have its draw backs,’; that is no information is ever really safe because even if he leaves me all the things I promised I wouldn’t write about become fair game. Take for example my porn addicted ex-boyfriend who wouldn’t sleep over because he had to go home and download 356 porn videos to sate his appetite. In hindsight, it must have been tough on him having to wait it out with a real person for the hours preceding his porn degustation especially since I wasn’t wearing a gimp mask nor wielding nipple clamps and a dildo.

But I digress.

When I started this blog C made me promise him that I wouldn’t write about his hypochondria and arachnophobia. He did not, however, forbid me to write about his anal cleft. While this might sound like C has half of his anus missing, anal cleft is the medical term for bum crack.

The anal cleft is a strange and wily anatomical creature. If David Attenborough were to describe it he would say that in its natural habitat (visible on a naked bottom) the anal cleft is indeed a majestical creature. Held in captivity (with a few inches poking out over someone’s pants) this creature mutates into a deformed and unsightly version of its former self. To put it succinctly, it’s U-G-L-Y.

C’s anal cleft belongs to the latter group held in captivity. In fact, every weekend at my place is a virtual field trip to the zoo of anal clefts. Oh look, there’s an anal cleft popping out from C’s underpants. Hey, see if you can pick the anal cleft camouflaged against C’s beige shorts. Wow, there’s an anal cleft putting out the rubbish. Gee and it gardens too.

It might sound like C is an anal cleftamaniac or show pony but it’s rather more a case that he finds it too constricting to wear a belt. Thankfully, he keeps it covered completely in public. Unlike the WAG who famously took her anal cleft out for a walk on a diamond encrusted leash at the Brownlow’s. Just goes to show, no one ever wants to see your anal cleft in captivity. Not now. Not then. Not ever. It’s just cruel.

A Berry Berry Ice-Cream

Oh it’s getting close to Christmas so I’m allowed to have a ridiculous name for my home-made ice-cream. We’ve got a dedicated berry bed this year so our berries have been prolific. We have strawberries and boysenberries and I’ve made some fab ice-cream with my new little ice-cream maker. The difference with an ice-cream maker is the ice-cream ends up creamy instead of the icy type you’ll get with just freezing. I also substitute some of the sugar for honey which I think is a bit healthier for kids. I also only use a couple of egg yolks – I’ve seen lots of recipes for 8 egg yolks but I just don’t think ice-cream needs this many unless of course you want to die of a heart attack aged 43.

*Make sure you put the base of your ice-cream maker in the freezer in a plastic bag for at least 24 hours

Ingredients

1 cup cream, 1 cup milk, 2 egg yolks, 1/4 cup castor sugar, 1/3 cup honey, 1 cup berries (can be a mix of berries or one particular type)

Boil the cream and milk in a pan on the stove. Meanwhile separate your egg yolks from the whites and mix in the sugar and honey with the egg yolks until creamy. Mix the cream and milk into the egg mix constantly stirring to ensure the egg mix doesn’t cook. Place back on stove in double saucepan and heat until mixture coats the back of a wooden spoon. Place mixture into a bowl and place in fridge to cool. Meanwhile blend you berries in a vitamiser and add to mix once it’s cooled. Add to ice-cream maker and follow instructions.